These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
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My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I might use a few or 30 filters, but have never tried to pass someone else’s photos off as me.
Even when my first avi here was a pug, I let people know that I wasn’t really a pug
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.