Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
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[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
I give new meaning to the word “awesome.”
At least I did when I changed the Wikipedia entry.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
This week’s mood.