*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
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Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”