Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
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I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.
Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.
Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?
Date: I’m sorry… what?
Me: Worse rooster shear?
Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
[on the phone]
ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis
ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.