LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
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No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
terminator extends hand: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: i said come with me if
me: i heard you the first time
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.