Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
You Might Also Like
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.