my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
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Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.