*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
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“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
If you say “no ifs, ands, or buts”, then get ready for a shitload of “shoulds”, “as well as”, and “howevers”.
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Whoa 😂
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00