HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
You Might Also Like
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click