There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
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priest: you may now kiss the pride
me: excuse me?
priest: *motions to the other side of the altar where 7 to 8 lions with lipstick wait*
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
When a shoelace touches your ankle
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Your secret is safeish with me
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?