Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
You Might Also Like
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
New menu item
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend