Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
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Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.