chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
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lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.