3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
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A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
a fate I wish upon no one
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Mmmm canned fish.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I’m so full I could puke a horse