We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
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It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
Oh. My. God.
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.