Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
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Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Lmbo
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Taliband
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.