[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
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IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
dictator is short for richard potato
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL