Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
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Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
Meow?
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
For the orator and chef in all of us
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Nobody associated with Pizza Hut better say anything controversial. I need my stuff crust pizza
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.