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IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
and now we wait
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics