I knew a girl who was sexually attracted to Hitler and when I unfriended her she messaged me and said “it’s cause I’m attracted to Hitler, isn’t it?” nooo, it’s cause you’re a Gemini. OF COURSE IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE ATTRACTED TO HITLER, BECKY!!!!!!
You Might Also Like
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Nothing can destroy your good opinion of a company quicker than working for them.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
where do you see yourself in five years?
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
He: That’s a handsome dog. What’s his name?
She: Roger
He: Does he bite?
She: No
He: How does he eat then?
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken