I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
You Might Also Like
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”