7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
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this is the most humiliating day of my life
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I鈥檓 on the phone
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where鈥檇 you get it?
Store mannequin:
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
bank account: $1400
me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
wow
When I鈥檓 feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Is it fall yet? I really can鈥檛 suck my stomach in much longer.
The game has officially changed 馃槑
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
waiting for halloween be like:
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”