Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
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This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.