is the plural of judas judasses or judi
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After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
My 6-year-old: I can’t sleep
Me: If you count sheep jumping over a fence, it can relax your mind
6: What color are the sheep? Wait, what color is the fence? Wait, why are they jumping? WAIT, IS A WOLF GOING TO EAT THEM…?
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.