Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
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It’s tough getting user casket reviews
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
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