i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
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If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
all that yoga finally paid off
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Seems a bit forward
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*