“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
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I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Y’all ready for this
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.