I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
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Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.