Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
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Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
5yo: Can you cut this apple differently than how you normally do?
Me: *cuts it differently*
5yo: *doesn’t eat apple*
Me: Why aren’t you eating it?
5yo: Because it’s not the same!
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My doctor just finished my physical and then crossed out “organ donor” from my driver‘s license?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.