Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
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One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
You better watch out
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
good morning to everyone but especially my dog who got herself stuck in a folding chair and instead of barking for help just waddled around with it on her back like some kind of hermit crab
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.