According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
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do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
Milk Cube
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.