Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
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He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
Therapist: Where do you see this going?
Me: Drinking and talking to the bartender instead of you.
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.