Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
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INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
I get into bed.
Husband is already asleep.
I must build a pillow fort between us to keep his hot breath off of my face.
Marriage is fun.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
Why I divorced her.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
Breakfast for Stoners:
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.