GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
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the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
4: mom,  said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
*Watching Friday the 13th VII*
GF: This is the 7TH TIME a bunch of kids were murdered at that camp?
GF: You’d think someone would have put up a sign by now.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair