[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
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This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?