[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
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Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
ME: I have an announcement… I’M GOING TO BE A FATHER!
FRIEND: Congratulations! When is the due date?
ME: In a few years, as soon as I graduate from priest school.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
This mouthbreathing, fat creepy dude at work baked a cake and wrote, “Eat cake if you want to be my girlfriend” on it. I’m so torn right now
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up