Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
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2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
guard your heart, cater to no man’s ego, honor your own time and your energy, don’t use uber. happy 2015.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
I wanna be friends with this person
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
I’m aging like a fine banana
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?