[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
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Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
I know yoga isn’t supposed to be competitive but I was definitely breathing harder than the guy next to me in class today
My dream job is getting paid to dream
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
This checks out
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
In hell u have to go hot tubbing with all the people who show up in the “people you may know” section of facebook
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”