Mouse
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I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Just gonna wait to see how long it takes this police sketch artist to realize I’m describing him.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
when you are just born a rebel
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.