*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
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On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.