If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
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This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”