This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
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This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
I was bored.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”