A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
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Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
My toddler had a meltdown. I finally got her to use her words and she told me she doesn’t like the floor.
So. Yeah.
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Batman v Dracula
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away