The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
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*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
cat: *plays fiddle*
cow: *jumps over moon*
dishes: *run away*
farmer: *sets down bong*
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.