Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
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OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Hot Panini is in big trouble
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
#Caturday
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.