Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
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Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
#oldknees
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
[speed dating]
date: what’s your biggest turn on?
me: wind turbines
date: ah i’m not a big fan
me: next
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.