When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
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vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
That’s not how days work.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt