Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
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waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”