waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
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My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Daughter: what do you call a T-Rex with sleep apnea?
Me: no idea.
Daughter: a Dinosnore : )
Me: [sniff].
Daughter: are you crying?
Me: I’m just so proud of you.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh