Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
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I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Trumpy Cat
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Husband of the year 😂
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning