Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
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He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.