#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!
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Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
My preferred mode of travel is sock sliding.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?